A Wonderland Of My Life.

cblakeee:

Crying because I will never be good enough for anyone

So as you all know today is Mother’s Day and for me its not a day I really enjoy. When I was younger my Mom was my best friend and I really thought the most of her. But when I started to get alittle older I began to notice she had a drinking problem. She would often act strange and blame things on my dad and I that I didn’t understand. I thought all of these problems were my fault and I would feel helpless that I couldn’t fix it. Eventually my Mom became to much to be around and my dad and I had to move out. My Mom continued to do many hurtful things until she moved away to Virginia. My sister was only 2 and never to this day understands why I don’t have a relationship with my Mom. I remember when I was in 7th grade she would call me crying begging for me to have a relationship with her and talk to her but I felt like I couldn’t. Something inside of me would always tell me no. It’s been years now and I’m 18. I see her occansionally and usually feel no emotion. I can tell when she sees me she is hurt, and I feel like I am still failing. Today I saw her after picking up my sister and we hugged and for some reason I felt like a monster for not having a relationship. But sometimes people do things to you that you can’t recover from. I feel like if my Mom would have been there for me throughout my life I wouldn’t have the problems I sometimes have. I wish I had that, I wish i could go to her when I feel horrible and am at a roadblock in my life but instead I keep it to myself until it doesn’t hurt me. I just for some reason wish the past was different. And I feel like once I accept the past is a story I’ll be more secure.